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The Truth about Magic 8-Balls

Toy or Tragedy?

Everyone is familiar with the beloved children's toy know as the "Magic 8-Ball." Wikipedia says it's been around since 1950. Their sources claim that it was invented by the Three Stooges.

Seriously?

But like many things, that's the "Hollywood" version of the story. Very few people know the real truth about this tool of the netherworld. Magic 8-Balls were originally developed by famed oculist Aleister Crowley. Seeking a simple way to communicate with the world beyond the mortal realm, he devises this formula to create the enchanted tool:

Ingredients:
8 Orphans of any gender with no more that 4 being of the white race.
1 Hollow sphere of plastic or metal with small clear viewing window (Do not use silver!)
1  icosahedral die, unlabeled
1 Standard Soul Binding kit (With serrated knife, wold-bone handle)
30 grams of Phonetician Death Herb
Steps:
Sacrifice the 8 orphans using the standard soul binding kit, using a modified extractionem spell. Instead of banishing the soul, allow it stay in this dimensional plane. Us the Phonetician Death Herb to keep the soul from dissipating and quickly compress it into the sphere. As the herb wears off in the sphere, the souls will compress into a dark liquid.
Once all 8 souls are added,  add the icosahedral die and seal the sphere. Using an tenebris nexus incantation to link the souls to world beyond the mortal realm.
Now the sphere will act as a link between realities. The afterlife exists outside of mortal time and can answer simple queries about the future of our world. As per the standard deal with the Prince of Darkness, the sphere cannot predict matters of life, death or love. It is most useful for determining truth or predicting the financial markets.I call This sphere "The Magic 8-Ball"

The name comes not from the popular game of billiards, but from the hairless head of Aleister Crowley himself, which his children mused looked like a polished ball. The 8 souls used to create the fluid.

I hope this was informative.

Possible Autobiography Titles

When I become famous and write my autobiography,  will choose from from one of these fabulous titles:

Total Eclipse of The Fart

A Child at Mark

From The Ladle to Gravy

It's Dangerous to Go Alone, Take Candy

The Power of Pessimism

Downtown Crabby

Stand by Your Ham

Fatteries Not Included

Computer, End Program

Mark Through The Heart

Mission Markomplished
Elaborate Lies About Inconsequential Things

I have run out of ideas

When I started this blog, my goal was to spread all the delicious knowledge that was compressed in my average sized head (Okay, I'll admit, it's a little big). However, I have found that I have run out of ideas. I just don't know what to write about.

That is why I need your help, yes you, the reader. I have some preliminary ideas, story starters, that I want you to vote on. The winner will become a full article. You won't really win anything besides the joy of reading my article. I will probably forget to even mention your contribution.

Idea #1 - Alternate endings to the Back to The Future Trilogy.
Despite being part of one of my favorite movie franchises, I have always hated Back to The Future III. This is mostly due to the setting. I really, really, hate the old west. My possible substitution would be a film involving Doc Brown's days as a college professor where he befriended a young prodigy named Egon Spengler.

Idea #2 - Off screen sitcom interactions.
Every time I watch a popular sitcom like "Home Improvement" or "Friends" I like to imagine the events that occur off screen. Like the times that Wilson, the neighbor on "Home Improvement" molested the young Taylor boy, causing him to turn all goth and emo as a teen. Or, all the time Chandler Bing and Joey hooked up on "Friends."

Idea #3 - Alternative Majors
I attend The University of Massachusetts, which has a "BDIC" program that let's you design your own major. This possible article would show how to creatively combine courses to create majors like "Necromancy," "Jedi Studies," and "Porn Director."


So tell me which idea you think will make the best new article by commenting on THIS article. Also, feel free to tell me how much I suck at all this.