Theories: Part V

First off, due to reader feedback I feel the need to clarify a few things. I call these lists "Theories," but they contain more truth than most metropolitan newspapers. However, I can't really call them facts or laws because the academic community does not recognize them as such. Years of research labeled as mere guesstimates because a few stuffed suits are too scared to admit that I am right. So once again, please enjoy my FACTS, Theories.

All Hockey players a descendants of Christ, that is why they can walk on water.*

The Lord of The Rings series of books were written by Shakespeare. Tolkien found the lost manuscripts in 1947 along with a mysterious ring and claimed them as his own.**

In the late 1980's Cher converted herself into pure energy. Her youthful looking body is in fact held together by powerful magnetic fields.

Summer Glau plays a robot killer on television. In real life she is clay statue animated by magic.

Dustin Hoffman keeps Charlie Chaplin's skull on his desk.

Ducks are evil.

The three male main characters on the TV show Full House were based on the Cher song "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves."

Skittles contain depleted uranium.

On January 23, 2011, Mark Wahlburg will Battle Mark Summers and Mark Weiner to the death.***

Black dress socks are really remnants of a powerful alien symbiote.

Carrots are planning to rise up against humanity.

Magic Eight Balls contain the condensed spirits of demons.

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*Dan Brown himself recognized it in his non-fiction epic THE DA VINCI CODE, but his editors refused to print that chapter out of fear of the Catholic Hockeyist Society

**I learned this from a pale little man with a speech impediment.

***Some may consider this a prediction, but since I have been to the future and witnessed this in person, I prefer to think of it as a fact (See my fact/theory debate above).
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(Also, I apologize for two Cher related theories. All I can say is that she is a powerful and influential "Woman")

Red Tusk

This is a short story I wrote several years ago for a creative writing class. I recently found it on my backup disk and decided to edit it and share it wit all of you. I hope you like it, it's a little weird.

Red Tusk

by

Mark Matiyosus

On the shores of a small arctic island, there once lived a community of walrus. They had lived on this Island for many generations, peacefully swimming, fishing, mating and sleeping. Life for them stayed pretty consistent and uneventful. The only problem that they ever had to deal with was the occasional shark attack.

Brahwa was a young walrus in the community. He was renowned for his bravery, recently saving the lives of several walrus pups during an especially savage shark attack. His left flipper bore the wounds from the shark's powerful bites. Grownah, Brahma's young walrus friend had also helped save the community during the fierce attacks. The two were very close, they spent many hours each day hunting and swimming in the the cold ocean.

One morning, after an especially strong thunderstorm, Brahwa and Grownah dove into the ocean for their usual adventures. As they reached the open sea, they noticed the storm had littered the ocean with debris. Chunks of misshapen wood, strange dead animals, and other flotsam and jetsam littered the formerly clear Arctic ocean. The two friends were intrigued by the changed environment and excitedly swam around investigating all of the new things.

The two walrus friends soon discovered a strange mass of seaweed floating in their ocean playground. They fearlessly dove under it, eager to see what strange things it may be hiding. What they found was not nearly as fun as they had hoped. Under the strange mass of seaweed that the storm had pulled from areas unknown was a strange and mysterious creature. It was of a dark green color with patches of brown. It was long and scaleless, with red eyes that almost seemed to glow. The most frightening aspect of its appearance was its mouth full of long, sharp teeth. The teeth seemed almost too big for the creature's mouth, giving it an awkwardly creepy quality. The two walrus friends had encountered their very first eel.

Brahwa's instincts told him that this new creature was bad news. But before the two friends could leave, the eel lunged at them to attack. Thinking only of his friend's safety, Brahwa quickly dove into the eel's path, shielding his friend from danger. The strange eel bit deeply into Brahwa's left flipper, which was already damaged from the shark attack. Brahwa roared in pain and started swimming as fast as he could back towards shore. The eel was tightly clamped onto his flipper, Brahwa could not get it off. Grownah raced after his friend, but Brahwa had always been the faster swimmer. There was little Grownah could do for him.

Reaching his island home, Brahwa flung his heavy body onto the shore, hoping the eel would let go and return to the sea. Grownah soon followed, barking out a warning to the other walrus to alert them of the danger. The last remnants of the storm clouds suddenly drifted away, allowing the bright arctic sun to hit the shore. Still struggling on land, Brahwa and the eel were hit by the rays of the sun. The suns rays did not affect Brahwa, but the eel reacted violently, writhing in pain. It began to burn under the sun's rays, sizzling and smoking. Soon, the eel was dead, with only a pile of dust and teeth as evidence of its existence.

It was at this time some of the elder walrus arrived to see what all the commotion was about. Brahwa's flipper was still bleeding but otherwise, he seemed okay. He decided to retire in a small ice cave to rest for the remaining hours of the day. In the cave Brahwa quickly fell in to a deep yet fitful sleep. As he slept, his body changed. His grayish brown hide turned pale, and most curiously, his strength increased ten fold.

Later that night Brahwa awoke suddenly. His flipper was still wounded, but the pain was gone. He felt energized, better than he had ever felt before, except he was hungry, very hungry. He decided he needed to eat some fish as soon as possible. He made his way to where Grownah was sleeping and nudged him awake. The two then made their way to the dark ocean to fish for a midnight snack. The two friends were experts at fishing, working as a team to catch and consume fish. Grownah had soon eaten his limit and was ready to retire back to the shore. Brahwa had other plans.

It seemed that no matter how many fish he ate, Brahwa's hunger could not be satiated. The fish were just not enough, he needed more. Still hungry, Brahwa decided to follow his friend who was already making his way tot he shore. As he swam behind Grownah, Brahwa was filled with an overwhelming urge to bite him. Despite his feelings for his friend, Brahwa attacked Grownah, plunging his long tusks into his side. Grownah was overcome by his friend's surprise attack and was paralyzed with shock. Brahwa's hunger had taken over, and he continuously plunged his sharp tusks into Grownah, opening deep, bloody wounds. It was the blood that Brahwa craved, and he drank it furiously. It was not long before his friend was dead.

Once he had his fill of walrus blood, Brahwa snapped out of the trance like state his hunger had put him in. With his mind clear again, the reality of what he had done hit him. He realized that he had just killed his best friend to feast on his blood. His tusks were stained with the blood of another walrus. While it was not unusual for walrus to fight each other when competing for a mate, Brahwa had killed his own friend in cold blood for no reason other than his cravings for blood. Overcome with sadness and regret, Brahwa knew he could not return to his community. There was no way the other walrus would accept him after what he had done. Brahwa decided to spend the rest of the nigh under a small outcropping on a nearby island where he and Grownah used to play.

The next morning, the other walrus found Grownah's drained corpse washed up on the shore oh their island. The elders were very concerned, Grownah was one of their best shark attack defenders. They were even more worried when they could not find his friend Brahwa either. They feared the worse. They also wondered who would now defend their community from shark attacks? They quickly organized a search party to locate Brahwa in case he was injured and needed assistance.

That same morning, Brahwa awoke to a burning pain in his tail. The shade of the outcropping only partially covered his body, and the sun's rays burned his exposed flesh. Brahwa quickly dove into the deep water surrounding the island, hoping the depths would shield him from the sun. He wondered what was going on, and pondered why the sun was affecting him in such a dramatic way. It was then that he recalled what he had done the previous night. As he swam, he became quite depressed.

Later that afternoon, dark clouds rolled in, allowing Brahwa to safely return to the shore of his new island home. He had put himself into exile for his atrocious deeds. His hunger was increasing, but he did not want to return to the other walrus, fearing a repeat of his attack on Grownah. It was then he heard the barking and grunts of a group of walrus. At first he feared the community had figured out he had done and were coming for revenge. Then upon listening more closely, he realized what was really going on. He knew this sound well; it was the frantic splashing and barking indicative of a shark attack.

Now, Brahwa pushed his hunger aside, he was filled with a desire to protect his former community. He swam back towards the main island, at speed never seen before among his kind. He found that the community was indeed under attack by sharks, the savages had ambushed the community during a feeding, when nearly all of them were in the water. Coming upon the scene Brahwa noticed several walrus were already dead. Filled with anger, Brahwa lunged at the nearest shark, using his tusks as a weapon. Normally, the hide of the sharks are too tough for a walrus' tusks to penetrate, but Brahwa hit the shark with tremendous force, piercing the shark's side, killing it instantly. Shaking the shark's corpse loose, Brahwa surveyed the scene, counting only three other sharks in the area. Their comrade's blood attracted two of the sharks to Brahwa, but he was easily able to fend them off with his new found strength.

Now, there was only one shark left and there was no way Brahwa was going to let it hurt any more of his friends. However, Brahwa noticed that this shark was different than the others. It was much larger, and its rough skin was a much lighter color. It was also wounded, with bite marks near its gills very similar to the one's on Brahwa's flipper. Nevertheless, Brahwa charged ahead, and attempted to impale the shark with his tusks. This time, Brahwa's strength was not enough, the shark's hide was just too tough. The shark did not respond well to the walrus's attack, and lunged at Brahwa with his massive jaws.

Brahwa's confidence was now diminished and decided a retreat onto land was his best option. With a supernatural burst of speed, the walrus swam to the shore and jumped onto the safety of the land. The skies were still darked by clouds, so Brahwa was safe for the moment. However, the shark had also made its way to the shoreline and hurled its body onto the shore next to Brahwa.

The walrus was shocked, he knew a shark could not survive on land. He wondered what was going on. Then, the shark began to twist and writhe on the ground, its body contorting and pulsating. Its long tapered body began to shrink and change shape. Then its body became covered in light brown fur. Its fins then elongated and formed a shape like legs! In a matter of moments, the shark had completely changed shape, into a creature Brahwa had never seen before, a wolf!

Suddenly the relative safety of land was gone for Brahwa. Shaking its new fur dry, werewolf shark, attacked the walrus. Brahwa knew he was in trouble. The shark bit into Brahwa's tail with its canine jaws, causing tremendous pain. Brahwa attempted to escape, but he was no match for the land shark's speed. The shark then turned his attention from the injured Brahwa to the other walrus that had made their way to the shore of the island.

It was then that Brahwa noticed the the cloud cover was shifting, and in mere moments the sun's rays would be upon the shore. Brahwa knew what he had too do. Hoping that the shark's condition was similar to his own, Brahwa plunged his tusks into the creature with tremendous force, pinning them both to then ground. The wolf shark tried to wiggle itself free, but it was to no avail. The other walrus crowded around Brahwa and his combatant as they remained pinned to the frozen ground.

Finally, Brahwa's plan came to fruition, the cloud cover faded away and the powerful rays of the sun hit the immobile duo. The pain was unbearable, but Brahwa knew there was no other way. Indeed, the sun had the same effect on the shark as it had on Brahwa and the eel. Their flesh sizzled and burned under the assault of the sun's rays. The shark howled and Brahwa let out a massive groan. Brahwa knew he would be dead soon, but he took solace in the fact that the community would be safe. He hoped this would redeem him for the brutal actions he had taken against his friend Grownah. The burning continued and the walrus community watched on in awe. Soon, all that was left of the two fighters was a pile of dust, along with two big red stained tusks sticking out of the ground.

The walrus community was safe, but saddened by the loss of their protectors. Hopefully a new generation of defenders could be trained. Meanwhile, off shore another mass of seaweed drifted towards the walrus community. A long creature stirred under the mass and watched the saddened walrus with its eerie red eyes. It then shifted its gaze to a new target, a lone polar bear floating lazily on a chunk of drifting ice. . .