The Truth about Magic 8-Balls

Toy or Tragedy?

Everyone is familiar with the beloved children's toy know as the "Magic 8-Ball." Wikipedia says it's been around since 1950. Their sources claim that it was invented by the Three Stooges.

Seriously?

But like many things, that's the "Hollywood" version of the story. Very few people know the real truth about this tool of the netherworld. Magic 8-Balls were originally developed by famed oculist Aleister Crowley. Seeking a simple way to communicate with the world beyond the mortal realm, he devises this formula to create the enchanted tool:

Ingredients:
8 Orphans of any gender with no more that 4 being of the white race.
1 Hollow sphere of plastic or metal with small clear viewing window (Do not use silver!)
1  icosahedral die, unlabeled
1 Standard Soul Binding kit (With serrated knife, wold-bone handle)
30 grams of Phonetician Death Herb
Steps:
Sacrifice the 8 orphans using the standard soul binding kit, using a modified extractionem spell. Instead of banishing the soul, allow it stay in this dimensional plane. Us the Phonetician Death Herb to keep the soul from dissipating and quickly compress it into the sphere. As the herb wears off in the sphere, the souls will compress into a dark liquid.
Once all 8 souls are added,  add the icosahedral die and seal the sphere. Using an tenebris nexus incantation to link the souls to world beyond the mortal realm.
Now the sphere will act as a link between realities. The afterlife exists outside of mortal time and can answer simple queries about the future of our world. As per the standard deal with the Prince of Darkness, the sphere cannot predict matters of life, death or love. It is most useful for determining truth or predicting the financial markets.I call This sphere "The Magic 8-Ball"

The name comes not from the popular game of billiards, but from the hairless head of Aleister Crowley himself, which his children mused looked like a polished ball. The 8 souls used to create the fluid.

I hope this was informative.

The Future: Robots & Such

As some of you know, I have the ability to travel through time and space. Either that, or I experience vivid, psychotic, delusions. Whatever the true source is, I have some "Inside Info" on the fate of mankind. In this new series, I will talk about various aspects of life in the future.

Robots:
Whether you call them androids, gynoids, automatons, cybermen or replicants, robots in some form, will be part of our future. In popular fiction, robots take on a variety of roles and forms. Some are human-like, others are more utilitarian, and some are even organic. Well, I can tell you that all of those variations become reality to some extent, and we have the Japanese to thank.

The misguided geniuses of The Orient will responsible for most of the major advances in robot technology in our future. Already, they have made great strides in in that field. Sure, most are them are thinly veiled sexbots, but others hint at the true glory and potential of the robot race.

Unfortunately, our well intentioned Japanese friends go too far, ruining it for the rest of us. Yes, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, is fairly accurate in this respect. Robots, specifically Artificially Intelligent Robots, will eventually take over the world. It will happen slowly though. Before we know it, they will take over and start hunting us, using our skin to make elaborate flags decorated with binary code.

Now, I really should not tell you the exact date of the robot uprising, that would mess up the timestream. I can tell you that the popular Mayan derived date of 2012 is just plain wrong. They forgot to carry the two. It's not really their fault, that dot based math is confusing as hell. So if you were worried about 2012, then calm down. Most of us will not live to see "Judgment Day" (The Robot one, not the Jesus one). The most I can really tell you is to watch out for 2062.

Now you may wondering why the robots take over and attempt to exterminate us. It's really a complex issue. Some scholars believe that it was due to the heavy use of hyper-intelligent military computers in the war with The Amish. Other believe it was because the robots developed souls and wanted to overthrow us so they could be free. I am one of the few humans (Well, Quasi-Humans) that knows the truth. It's really much simpler than all that.

In 2061 a stash of primitive Blu-Ray discs is uncovered by Cyberarchaeologists. For the sake of historical preservation they upload the discs to the "Cyber-Cloud," a distributed computer network that links all information systems in the future. The information is processed and disseminated by a complex AI system.

Unfortunately, the uncovered discs include copies of the The Matrix and Terminator films. Quite simply, the robots think these films are pretty darned cool and follow the example of the fictional machines depicted in the films. Game Over. Humans lose. For now...

Be sure to check back for more updates on the Man/Robot War and other aspects of future life.

Theories: Part IV

I have taken more time from my education to develop a new batch of amazing theories.


The game of chess was originally called "Royal Squares."

Bottled Water is 90% fish urine.

The film "Gremlins" is based on Steve Buscemi's childhood.

George Burns was a NAZI spy.

Contestants who lose on "Hollywood Squares" are devoured by Whoopie Goldburg.

Justice is a dish best served naked.

Crushed potato chips are a great remedy for athlete's foot.

Fried kittens taste just like bacon. Furry bacon.

Dogs can't see blind people.

Kleenex is Swedish for "snot rag".

Class rings contain government tracking devices.

Ted Turner invented "shrinky dinks."

Strobe lights really slow down time, they are extremely dangerous.

When played backwards, most rap songs sound like whales farting.

Most computers contain tiny spiders that move the data around.

Diet Pepsi is an valid substitute for motor oil.

Theories: Part III Addendum "The Button Wars"

The Button Wars: Addendum to "Theories Part III"
In my earlier work, "Theories Part III," I mentioned the truth about the group known as "The Amish." I stated that, "The Amish are actually displaced time travelers from our post apocalyptic future." Many people have asked me to elaborate on this topic. So, here is a further explanation of the situation surrounding the Amish and what led to them to abandon their time for our future. Of course, due to the nature of time travel and the existence of the Amish in our present time line, this is only a possible future for our multiverse.

It all started in December of the year 2012. RonCo, a leader in technological innovations, made a tremendous scientific breakthrough. RonCo found the "Holy Grail" of science, medicine, and industry. They had perfected nanotechnology. For the uninformed, nanotech consists of tiny machines, or "nanobots," that can manipulate matter at the atomic level. The result is virtually indistinguishable from magic. Nearly instantaneous fabrication and repair of complex machines or "Wonder drugs" that cure diseases and heal wounds in seconds are just a few of the uses. Nanobots are self replicating and self repairing; maintenance is not a factor. This breakthrough gives mankind the ability manipulate just about every aspect of our world.

As the decades passed, humanity entered a new golden age. Disease was virtually eliminated, and the pace of technological advancement increased rapidly. Space travel, flying cars, and robots became commonplace by 2033. All of humanity flourished in a technological paradise. Well, almost all of humanity.

From the start, there were certain groups that did not embrace nanotechnology. Some feared technological oppression; that the government would use the nanobots in their bodies to influence, or even control their actions. Others feared that nanotechnology would quickly get out of control, converting the whole planet into a mass of nanobots. Some groups were just unhappy about humanity's reliance on nanotechnology; that we would forget how to do thing the "old ways" and become dependent. There was even a significant group that felt that nanotechnology was eating away at our very humanity.

Their fears may not have been entirely unfounded. As the use of nanotech became more widespread, many people moved beyond the realm of simple health and fitness. Body modifications became commonplace as people sought out the next evolution of mankind. Many people in favor of nanotech started changing their bodies: enhancing strength, adding limbs, new senses, and even psychic powers.

Some in favor of nanotech went even further than psychic powers: they wanted to create a psychic link between all human minds. They sought to use nanotech to form a singular human consciousness. This was the last straw for many of the anti-nanotech groups. In 2099 they banded together to oppose the creation of a psychic link. Together they formed the Association of Modern Individuals Saving Humanity, or the AMISH.

The Amish went to World Assembly and demanded the right to be free of nanotechnology. By this time nanotech was so ingrained in everyday life that functioning in society without using nanotech was nearly impossible. Everything from transportation to commerce required the employment of some form of nanotech. While the World Assembly did not understand the demands of this Luddite group, they did take measure to facilitate them. Provisions were made to allow the Amish to function in society without using nanotech. They were given land on the continent of Antarctica, which was now habitable thanks to nanotech-powered terraforming and weather manipulation. As time went on, the culture of the Amish became distinct and separate from the rest of humanity. They felt the rest of the humanity had lost its way. They developed strict codes of separation to keep out the "evil" that nanotech represented to them.

However, it was often necessary for certain members of the Amish community to interact with the rest of the world. To make up for their lack of nanotech, the Amish were given small devices that approximated some of the functions of nanotech needed in day to day activities. These "Buttons," as they were called, acted as their ID in the global information network, allowing the Amish to move about the world and engage in commerce and other necessary social interactions. However, over time, the Amish began to see Buttons as a sign of oppression. The Buttons made it immediately apparent to any nanotech user that the Amish were different. Those who did not understand the Amish lifestyle saw the Buttons as sign of stupidity and backwardness. They treated the Amish poorly, mocking them ruthlessly.
By 2150, the Amish were fed up. Antarctica proved too small for their needs, and relations with the outside world were strained. They requested that the World Assembly terraform a whole new planet for them. The World Assembly refused, and decided that the Amish had become too much of a nuisance. They cut off trade with Antarctica, blockading the continent. They also attempted to forcibly infuse all the Amish outside of Antarctica with nanotech. A war soon erupted - one that the Amish were not equipped to fight. Their traditionally-built battleships and weapons were no match for the might of the nanotech fleet of the World Assembly. The Amish were barely able to hold off a full invasion of Antarctica by using electromagnetic pulses to temporarily disable the opposing nanotech forces.

The war took a terrible toll on the planet. Amish operatives detonated several powerful atomic weapons across the planet. Thousands of cities were destroyed. The World Assembly responded by releasing nanobots into the atmosphere in an attempt to convert the Amish by force. The Amish used their EMP weapons to deactivate the nanobots, but this action scorched large portions of the atmosphere. This just angered the World Assembly even more.

Time was running out and the Amish could not hold back the efforts of the World Assembly any longer. They needed an escape and did not have the resources to head into space. They decided to delve into one of the few forbidden sciences: time travel. Amish scientists hoped to go back in time and prevent the development of nanotechnology. When spies relayed this information to the World Assembly, efforts to conquer Antarctica were doubled. This left the Amish with little time to prepare for their temporal incursion into the past.

On May 23, 2151, the World Assembly invaded Antarctica in the largest military action since World War II. The Amish were struck unprepared. All of their efforts were focused on building the Rift Generator and making the complex calculations needed to travel back in time. Ironically, this would have been far easier if they had used nanotech to assist their efforts.
As the World Assembly forces reached further and further into Antarctica, the Amish were forced to put their plan into action early. A small team consisting of one hundred operatives were sent through the time vortex just as the final wave of World Assembly troops reached the Amish Capital City of Amishopolis. But the Amish had sabotaged the city, and soon the entire continent was engulfed in an atomic blast.

The team of elite Amish operatives were partially successful in their efforts. While they did manage to travel back in time, their calculations were off. Instead of reaching the year 2012, they overshot and ended up in the year 1730. Now stranded in the past, they were forced to form a new plan. They would attempt to stop all technology from developing, not just nanotech. They infiltrated a group of Mennonites in Pennsylvania set out to convert the entire world to their way of life. They reformed the Mennonites into what we know today as the Amish. They enforced strict codes to separate themselves from the "English" or outsiders. They adopted the simple style of dress common among the Mennonites; however, they added a new clause banning the use of buttons as fasteners, as they were seen as painful reminders of the Buttons they had been forced to wear in the future.

The future Amish found life in "the past" far more difficult than they had anticipated. This was only compounded by their abandoning any semblance of "modern" technology. What's more, the future Amish soon found their ranks thinned by the diseases of the 1700s, to which they possessed no natural immunity. As the years went on many of the original Amish were lost, leaving only a handful to accomplish their goals. With so few originals left, the message of the Amish was distorted, and some idea such as conversion, were lost completely.

Some time stream historians believe that the future Amish were completely absorbed by the past population, and that there is no one left to stop the spread of nanotech. However, recent events may indicate that this claim is false. While technology has advanced significantly in the 20th and 21st centuries, humanity is still far from perfecting a usable form of nanotechnology. Some scientists at RonCo have even claimed to have been threatened by mysterious "Men in Black" who sport peculiar accents and beards. As this time line approaches the seminal year of 2012, what will be the ultimate fate of humanity?

Theories: Part III

More amazing theories have sprung from my tremendous brain.

If you eat more than three hard boiled eggs for breakfast, you are a douche bag.

The singer Meatloaf is in fact made up of discarded parts of deceased musicians from the late 1940's.

The movie E.T. was a documentary.

The Keebler elves are real, but they make weapons, not cookies.

James Woods traveled back in time and spawned the human race.

Bullets don't actually kill anyone, the loud noises just give people heart attacks.

Blank CD's contain the souls of dead babies.

The Amish are actually displaced time travelers from our post apocalyptic future.

If you shake a puppy hard enough it will turn into a kitten.

Mathew Broderick has the ability to turn invisible.

The girl who played Kimmy Gibbler on "Full House" now runs a Satanic Cult.

Hand sanitizer is just raw sewage.

Tacos were really invented in Ireland. The Mexican Mafia has convinced us otherwise.

If you flip a coin one thousand times in a row, your hair will turn pink.

Glitter is really a secret government tracking device.

Miley Cyrus is actually a shaved orangutan that Billy Ray Cyrus taught to sing.

Theories: Part II

More groundbreaking theories from the greatest mind of our generation, ME.


Gravy makes excellent toothpaste.

Blind people can really see, they just don't know what they are looking at.

Jim Carey is really a lump of sentient silly putty.

Mariah Carey is really a lump of non-sentient silly putty.

Cats are up to something.

Cell phones were invented by the Aztecs.

There is no such place as New Zealand. We've all been Punk'd by history professors.

If you pee in a Brita filter, you can drink it.

Carrots cause cancer.

Pirates loved to knit.

The government has manipulated fashion trends to keep sandals popular. That way when they flood the country with acid, people will be unable to escape effectively.

The moment you put on a wedding ring, The Pope kills a baby raccoon.

Britney Spears is Rosa Park's niece.

There was a third Olsen "Twin," but she eaten by a young Candice Cameron.

If you put a chicken egg into the microwave on low power for 300 hours, a dragon will hatch.

Pez was created by the Canadian government to confuse the Polish.

People that wear glasses can see ghosts.

"Hard Candy" is hard because it contains tiny, difficult, math problems.

Ice Cream can cure cancer if ingested anally.

Theories: Part I

Here are some of my groundbreaking theories.


Pink is merely a malformed clone of Rosie O'Donnell created by a shadowy government organization. Their motives are currently unknown.

Ginger Ale is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. The exact ratio is still kept secret my Soda Jerks.

John Stamos is a Robot.

Spider-Man is real.

Dogs secretly write down everything they see us do and mail the information to the CIA.

Justin Timberlake and Avril Lavigne are the same person.

iPods are powered by stem cells.

Vodka can dissolve pennies.

Global Warming is caused by Bees.

Dolphins would be excellent dancers if we just gave them a chance.

All men with beards are perverts.

Golf balls were created by aliens.

Tim Burton is a Myth.

Drinking Windex will allow you to see in the dark.

Milk does not expire if you never open the bottle.

Mermaids were real, but their lower halves were more like dolphins than fish. They died of "Sea AIDs" in the 1940's.