Theories: Part V

First off, due to reader feedback I feel the need to clarify a few things. I call these lists "Theories," but they contain more truth than most metropolitan newspapers. However, I can't really call them facts or laws because the academic community does not recognize them as such. Years of research labeled as mere guesstimates because a few stuffed suits are too scared to admit that I am right. So once again, please enjoy my FACTS, Theories.

All Hockey players a descendants of Christ, that is why they can walk on water.*

The Lord of The Rings series of books were written by Shakespeare. Tolkien found the lost manuscripts in 1947 along with a mysterious ring and claimed them as his own.**

In the late 1980's Cher converted herself into pure energy. Her youthful looking body is in fact held together by powerful magnetic fields.

Summer Glau plays a robot killer on television. In real life she is clay statue animated by magic.

Dustin Hoffman keeps Charlie Chaplin's skull on his desk.

Ducks are evil.

The three male main characters on the TV show Full House were based on the Cher song "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves."

Skittles contain depleted uranium.

On January 23, 2011, Mark Wahlburg will Battle Mark Summers and Mark Weiner to the death.***

Black dress socks are really remnants of a powerful alien symbiote.

Carrots are planning to rise up against humanity.

Magic Eight Balls contain the condensed spirits of demons.

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*Dan Brown himself recognized it in his non-fiction epic THE DA VINCI CODE, but his editors refused to print that chapter out of fear of the Catholic Hockeyist Society

**I learned this from a pale little man with a speech impediment.

***Some may consider this a prediction, but since I have been to the future and witnessed this in person, I prefer to think of it as a fact (See my fact/theory debate above).
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(Also, I apologize for two Cher related theories. All I can say is that she is a powerful and influential "Woman")