First off, due to reader feedback I feel the need to clarify a few things. I call these lists "Theories," but they contain more truth than most metropolitan newspapers. However, I can't really call them facts or laws because the academic community does not recognize them as such. Years of research labeled as mere guesstimates because a few stuffed suits are too scared to admit that I am right. So once again, please enjoy my FACTS, Theories. All Hockey players a descendants of Christ, that is why they can walk on water.*The Lord of The Rings series of books were written by Shakespeare. Tolkien found the lost manuscripts in 1947 along with a mysterious ring and claimed them as his own.**In the late 1980's Cher converted herself into pure energy. Her youthful looking body is in fact held together by powerful magnetic fields.Summer Glau plays a robot killer on television. In real life she is clay statue animated by magic.Dustin Hoffman keeps Charlie Chaplin's skull on his desk.Ducks are evil.The three male main characters on the TV show Full House were based on the Cher song "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves."Skittles contain depleted uranium.On January 23, 2011, Mark Wahlburg will Battle Mark Summers and Mark Weiner to the death.***Black dress socks are really remnants of a powerful alien symbiote. Carrots are planning to rise up against humanity.Magic Eight Balls contain the condensed spirits of demons.__________________________________________________________________________*Dan Brown himself recognized it in his non-fiction epic THE DA VINCI CODE, but his editors refused to print that chapter out of fear of the Catholic Hockeyist Society**I learned this from a pale little man with a speech impediment. ***Some may consider this a prediction, but since I have been to the future and witnessed this in person, I prefer to think of it as a fact (See my fact/theory debate above).
__________________________________________________________________________(Also, I apologize for two Cher related theories. All I can say is that she is a powerful and influential "Woman")
As some of you know, I have the ability to travel through time and space. Either that, or I experience vivid, psychotic, delusions. Whatever the true source is, I have some "Inside Info" on the fate of mankind. In this new series, I will talk about various aspects of life in the future.
Robots:Whether you call them androids, gynoids, automatons, cybermen or replicants, robots in some form, will be part of our future. In popular fiction, robots take on a variety of roles and forms. Some are human-like, others are more utilitarian, and some are even organic. Well, I can tell you that all of those variations become reality to some extent, and we have the Japanese to thank.
The misguided geniuses of The Orient will responsible for most of the major advances in robot technology in our future. Already, they have made great strides in in that field. Sure, most are them are thinly veiled sexbots, but others hint at the true glory and potential of the robot race.
Unfortunately, our well intentioned Japanese friends go too far, ruining it for the rest of us. Yes, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, is fairly accurate in this respect. Robots, specifically Artificially Intelligent Robots, will eventually take over the world. It will happen slowly though. Before we know it, they will take over and start hunting us, using our skin to make elaborate flags decorated with binary code.
Now, I really should not tell you the exact date of the robot uprising, that would mess up the timestream. I can tell you that the popular Mayan derived date of 2012 is just plain wrong. They forgot to carry the two. It's not really their fault, that dot based math is confusing as hell. So if you were worried about 2012, then calm down. Most of us will not live to see "Judgment Day" (The Robot one, not the Jesus one). The most I can really tell you is to watch out for 2062.Now you may wondering why the robots take over and attempt to exterminate us. It's really a complex issue. Some scholars believe that it was due to the heavy use of hyper-intelligent military computers in the war with The Amish. Other believe it was because the robots developed souls and wanted to overthrow us so they could be free. I am one of the few humans (Well, Quasi-Humans) that knows the truth. It's really much simpler than all that.
In 2061 a stash of primitive Blu-Ray discs is uncovered by Cyberarchaeologists. For the sake of historical preservation they upload the discs to the "Cyber-Cloud," a distributed computer network that links all information systems in the future. The information is processed and disseminated by a complex AI system.
Unfortunately, the uncovered discs include copies of the The Matrix and Terminator films. Quite simply, the robots think these films are pretty darned cool and follow the example of the fictional machines depicted in the films. Game Over. Humans lose. For now...Be sure to check back for more updates on the Man/Robot War and other aspects of future life.
