The Truth About Santa

These days everyone from the media elite to your local church would have you believe that Santa Clause is not real. They try to back themselves up with "Facts" showing his muddy and confused origin in folklore from around the world. Or they try to find scientific flaws in the seemingly "Magical" way Santa builds toys and distributes them all over the world.

If Santa is not real, then why would NORAD waste taxpayer money tracking him every year? It's obvious that the media crusade against Santa is tied to some kind of deeper conspiracy, too complex to explain here. What I can do for all of you out there is explain the TRUE origin of Santa and his miracles.

To start off there is nothing magical about Santa Claus at all. In fact, his origins are alien. Over 2000 years ago, an alien creature named Kringus arrived Earth after a devastating war left her planet devastated. Kringus wanted to live a peaceful life now, a life that helped other living beings.

To this end, Kringus joined forces with the most intelligent race on Earth at the time, the Elves. Now many of you may be thinking of sexy elves like Legolas of Lord of The Rings. That is mere fantasy, in reality elves are a small and ugly race, much like modern New Yorkers. Their hideous appearance and shrill voices belie their warm hearts and aptitude for menial labor.

Kringus herself resembled a large insectoid, about the size of three average humans or two Texans. Kringus' species could reproduce using the DNA from any living creature, creating an adult hybrid in only three days. Kingus decided to use her gift to benefit the other dominant species on Earth, humans.

To this end, Kringus sent out elven envoys to find the most kind and gifted human on the planet. The elves searched far and wide, traveling to every country on Earth. This is how they spread the message of Kringus, incorporating her message of good will into local legends of gift giving wizards. To this end, the elves determined that Saint Nicholas of Myra was the bastion of kindness that Kringus was looking for.

Unfortunately, Saint Nick refused to even speak to the elven envoys, he thought they were ugly, evil, and reminiscent of the djinn he fought so hard to defeat years earlier. Kringus tried to sway him by sending advanced flying reindeer robots to entertain the Saint. It was of no use, Saint Nick could no be brought on board. The elves were given no other choice, they stole a sample of Saint Nick's DNA and brought it back to Kringus.

Kringus used her special hybridization ability to create a mostly human replica of Saint Nicholas. By combining the names of local legends with her own language, Kringus dubbed her new son "Santa Claus." This hybrid boasted long life and resistance to cold. Due to complex genetic interactions, Santa Claus would always appear as and old human male. However, thanks to his alien heritage and understanding of the human genome, Santa Claus could shift his ethnicity as needed. Now Kringgus could move on to phase two of her plan.

Kingus dubbed herself "Mrs. Claus" to better relate to her creation that she was now training. She taught Santa to use her advanced technology like hoversleds and teleporters. He was also taught other skills like elf management and how to avoid customs officials.

Immense production facilities were created under the North Pole. The elves were happy to work for Santa and Mrs. Claus, they now could have all the gingerbread they could eat. This really pissed off Lord Oberon who had enslaved the elves for generations. After intense negotiations, a deal would struck. In exchange for the service of the elves, Mrs. Clause would give Oberon an alien portal generator. This would allow Oberon to finally flee our realm. That is why you don't see any of Oberoth's Children (The Fey) around anymore.

The first Christmas was very successful. The Santa Hybrid preformed flawlessly. The hoversled flew magnificently, led by the robot reindeer. Teleporters and time warps allowed him to deliver presents to every child on the planet in just one night. Thanks to his alien telepathy, Santa gave each child exactly as he or she deserved.

As the generations passed, the original Santa hybrid wore out. It was a sad occasion for Mrs. Clause, she had grown close to this Santa over the last 300 years. When the time came the elves held a solemn ceremony for the first Santa Clause. The next day Mrs. Clause sent them out to find a new human template for the Santa hybrid. This event would repeat itself numerous times as the years went on.

Now dear reader, you know the true origin of Santa Clause. Nearly all of his mysteries have been easily explained with the plot device known as "Alien Technology." Please print out this article and present it to any naysayer who claims that Santa is not real.

Theories: Part V

First off, due to reader feedback I feel the need to clarify a few things. I call these lists "Theories," but they contain more truth than most metropolitan newspapers. However, I can't really call them facts or laws because the academic community does not recognize them as such. Years of research labeled as mere guesstimates because a few stuffed suits are too scared to admit that I am right. So once again, please enjoy my FACTS, Theories.

All Hockey players a descendants of Christ, that is why they can walk on water.*

The Lord of The Rings series of books were written by Shakespeare. Tolkien found the lost manuscripts in 1947 along with a mysterious ring and claimed them as his own.**

In the late 1980's Cher converted herself into pure energy. Her youthful looking body is in fact held together by powerful magnetic fields.

Summer Glau plays a robot killer on television. In real life she is clay statue animated by magic.

Dustin Hoffman keeps Charlie Chaplin's skull on his desk.

Ducks are evil.

The three male main characters on the TV show Full House were based on the Cher song "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves."

Skittles contain depleted uranium.

On January 23, 2011, Mark Wahlburg will Battle Mark Summers and Mark Weiner to the death.***

Black dress socks are really remnants of a powerful alien symbiote.

Carrots are planning to rise up against humanity.

Magic Eight Balls contain the condensed spirits of demons.

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*Dan Brown himself recognized it in his non-fiction epic THE DA VINCI CODE, but his editors refused to print that chapter out of fear of the Catholic Hockeyist Society

**I learned this from a pale little man with a speech impediment.

***Some may consider this a prediction, but since I have been to the future and witnessed this in person, I prefer to think of it as a fact (See my fact/theory debate above).
__________________________________________________________________________
(Also, I apologize for two Cher related theories. All I can say is that she is a powerful and influential "Woman")

Red Tusk

This is a short story I wrote several years ago for a creative writing class. I recently found it on my backup disk and decided to edit it and share it wit all of you. I hope you like it, it's a little weird.

Red Tusk

by

Mark Matiyosus

On the shores of a small arctic island, there once lived a community of walrus. They had lived on this Island for many generations, peacefully swimming, fishing, mating and sleeping. Life for them stayed pretty consistent and uneventful. The only problem that they ever had to deal with was the occasional shark attack.

Brahwa was a young walrus in the community. He was renowned for his bravery, recently saving the lives of several walrus pups during an especially savage shark attack. His left flipper bore the wounds from the shark's powerful bites. Grownah, Brahma's young walrus friend had also helped save the community during the fierce attacks. The two were very close, they spent many hours each day hunting and swimming in the the cold ocean.

One morning, after an especially strong thunderstorm, Brahwa and Grownah dove into the ocean for their usual adventures. As they reached the open sea, they noticed the storm had littered the ocean with debris. Chunks of misshapen wood, strange dead animals, and other flotsam and jetsam littered the formerly clear Arctic ocean. The two friends were intrigued by the changed environment and excitedly swam around investigating all of the new things.

The two walrus friends soon discovered a strange mass of seaweed floating in their ocean playground. They fearlessly dove under it, eager to see what strange things it may be hiding. What they found was not nearly as fun as they had hoped. Under the strange mass of seaweed that the storm had pulled from areas unknown was a strange and mysterious creature. It was of a dark green color with patches of brown. It was long and scaleless, with red eyes that almost seemed to glow. The most frightening aspect of its appearance was its mouth full of long, sharp teeth. The teeth seemed almost too big for the creature's mouth, giving it an awkwardly creepy quality. The two walrus friends had encountered their very first eel.

Brahwa's instincts told him that this new creature was bad news. But before the two friends could leave, the eel lunged at them to attack. Thinking only of his friend's safety, Brahwa quickly dove into the eel's path, shielding his friend from danger. The strange eel bit deeply into Brahwa's left flipper, which was already damaged from the shark attack. Brahwa roared in pain and started swimming as fast as he could back towards shore. The eel was tightly clamped onto his flipper, Brahwa could not get it off. Grownah raced after his friend, but Brahwa had always been the faster swimmer. There was little Grownah could do for him.

Reaching his island home, Brahwa flung his heavy body onto the shore, hoping the eel would let go and return to the sea. Grownah soon followed, barking out a warning to the other walrus to alert them of the danger. The last remnants of the storm clouds suddenly drifted away, allowing the bright arctic sun to hit the shore. Still struggling on land, Brahwa and the eel were hit by the rays of the sun. The suns rays did not affect Brahwa, but the eel reacted violently, writhing in pain. It began to burn under the sun's rays, sizzling and smoking. Soon, the eel was dead, with only a pile of dust and teeth as evidence of its existence.

It was at this time some of the elder walrus arrived to see what all the commotion was about. Brahwa's flipper was still bleeding but otherwise, he seemed okay. He decided to retire in a small ice cave to rest for the remaining hours of the day. In the cave Brahwa quickly fell in to a deep yet fitful sleep. As he slept, his body changed. His grayish brown hide turned pale, and most curiously, his strength increased ten fold.

Later that night Brahwa awoke suddenly. His flipper was still wounded, but the pain was gone. He felt energized, better than he had ever felt before, except he was hungry, very hungry. He decided he needed to eat some fish as soon as possible. He made his way to where Grownah was sleeping and nudged him awake. The two then made their way to the dark ocean to fish for a midnight snack. The two friends were experts at fishing, working as a team to catch and consume fish. Grownah had soon eaten his limit and was ready to retire back to the shore. Brahwa had other plans.

It seemed that no matter how many fish he ate, Brahwa's hunger could not be satiated. The fish were just not enough, he needed more. Still hungry, Brahwa decided to follow his friend who was already making his way tot he shore. As he swam behind Grownah, Brahwa was filled with an overwhelming urge to bite him. Despite his feelings for his friend, Brahwa attacked Grownah, plunging his long tusks into his side. Grownah was overcome by his friend's surprise attack and was paralyzed with shock. Brahwa's hunger had taken over, and he continuously plunged his sharp tusks into Grownah, opening deep, bloody wounds. It was the blood that Brahwa craved, and he drank it furiously. It was not long before his friend was dead.

Once he had his fill of walrus blood, Brahwa snapped out of the trance like state his hunger had put him in. With his mind clear again, the reality of what he had done hit him. He realized that he had just killed his best friend to feast on his blood. His tusks were stained with the blood of another walrus. While it was not unusual for walrus to fight each other when competing for a mate, Brahwa had killed his own friend in cold blood for no reason other than his cravings for blood. Overcome with sadness and regret, Brahwa knew he could not return to his community. There was no way the other walrus would accept him after what he had done. Brahwa decided to spend the rest of the nigh under a small outcropping on a nearby island where he and Grownah used to play.

The next morning, the other walrus found Grownah's drained corpse washed up on the shore oh their island. The elders were very concerned, Grownah was one of their best shark attack defenders. They were even more worried when they could not find his friend Brahwa either. They feared the worse. They also wondered who would now defend their community from shark attacks? They quickly organized a search party to locate Brahwa in case he was injured and needed assistance.

That same morning, Brahwa awoke to a burning pain in his tail. The shade of the outcropping only partially covered his body, and the sun's rays burned his exposed flesh. Brahwa quickly dove into the deep water surrounding the island, hoping the depths would shield him from the sun. He wondered what was going on, and pondered why the sun was affecting him in such a dramatic way. It was then that he recalled what he had done the previous night. As he swam, he became quite depressed.

Later that afternoon, dark clouds rolled in, allowing Brahwa to safely return to the shore of his new island home. He had put himself into exile for his atrocious deeds. His hunger was increasing, but he did not want to return to the other walrus, fearing a repeat of his attack on Grownah. It was then he heard the barking and grunts of a group of walrus. At first he feared the community had figured out he had done and were coming for revenge. Then upon listening more closely, he realized what was really going on. He knew this sound well; it was the frantic splashing and barking indicative of a shark attack.

Now, Brahwa pushed his hunger aside, he was filled with a desire to protect his former community. He swam back towards the main island, at speed never seen before among his kind. He found that the community was indeed under attack by sharks, the savages had ambushed the community during a feeding, when nearly all of them were in the water. Coming upon the scene Brahwa noticed several walrus were already dead. Filled with anger, Brahwa lunged at the nearest shark, using his tusks as a weapon. Normally, the hide of the sharks are too tough for a walrus' tusks to penetrate, but Brahwa hit the shark with tremendous force, piercing the shark's side, killing it instantly. Shaking the shark's corpse loose, Brahwa surveyed the scene, counting only three other sharks in the area. Their comrade's blood attracted two of the sharks to Brahwa, but he was easily able to fend them off with his new found strength.

Now, there was only one shark left and there was no way Brahwa was going to let it hurt any more of his friends. However, Brahwa noticed that this shark was different than the others. It was much larger, and its rough skin was a much lighter color. It was also wounded, with bite marks near its gills very similar to the one's on Brahwa's flipper. Nevertheless, Brahwa charged ahead, and attempted to impale the shark with his tusks. This time, Brahwa's strength was not enough, the shark's hide was just too tough. The shark did not respond well to the walrus's attack, and lunged at Brahwa with his massive jaws.

Brahwa's confidence was now diminished and decided a retreat onto land was his best option. With a supernatural burst of speed, the walrus swam to the shore and jumped onto the safety of the land. The skies were still darked by clouds, so Brahwa was safe for the moment. However, the shark had also made its way to the shoreline and hurled its body onto the shore next to Brahwa.

The walrus was shocked, he knew a shark could not survive on land. He wondered what was going on. Then, the shark began to twist and writhe on the ground, its body contorting and pulsating. Its long tapered body began to shrink and change shape. Then its body became covered in light brown fur. Its fins then elongated and formed a shape like legs! In a matter of moments, the shark had completely changed shape, into a creature Brahwa had never seen before, a wolf!

Suddenly the relative safety of land was gone for Brahwa. Shaking its new fur dry, werewolf shark, attacked the walrus. Brahwa knew he was in trouble. The shark bit into Brahwa's tail with its canine jaws, causing tremendous pain. Brahwa attempted to escape, but he was no match for the land shark's speed. The shark then turned his attention from the injured Brahwa to the other walrus that had made their way to the shore of the island.

It was then that Brahwa noticed the the cloud cover was shifting, and in mere moments the sun's rays would be upon the shore. Brahwa knew what he had too do. Hoping that the shark's condition was similar to his own, Brahwa plunged his tusks into the creature with tremendous force, pinning them both to then ground. The wolf shark tried to wiggle itself free, but it was to no avail. The other walrus crowded around Brahwa and his combatant as they remained pinned to the frozen ground.

Finally, Brahwa's plan came to fruition, the cloud cover faded away and the powerful rays of the sun hit the immobile duo. The pain was unbearable, but Brahwa knew there was no other way. Indeed, the sun had the same effect on the shark as it had on Brahwa and the eel. Their flesh sizzled and burned under the assault of the sun's rays. The shark howled and Brahwa let out a massive groan. Brahwa knew he would be dead soon, but he took solace in the fact that the community would be safe. He hoped this would redeem him for the brutal actions he had taken against his friend Grownah. The burning continued and the walrus community watched on in awe. Soon, all that was left of the two fighters was a pile of dust, along with two big red stained tusks sticking out of the ground.

The walrus community was safe, but saddened by the loss of their protectors. Hopefully a new generation of defenders could be trained. Meanwhile, off shore another mass of seaweed drifted towards the walrus community. A long creature stirred under the mass and watched the saddened walrus with its eerie red eyes. It then shifted its gaze to a new target, a lone polar bear floating lazily on a chunk of drifting ice. . .

The Future: Robots & Such

As some of you know, I have the ability to travel through time and space. Either that, or I experience vivid, psychotic, delusions. Whatever the true source is, I have some "Inside Info" on the fate of mankind. In this new series, I will talk about various aspects of life in the future.

Robots:
Whether you call them androids, gynoids, automatons, cybermen or replicants, robots in some form, will be part of our future. In popular fiction, robots take on a variety of roles and forms. Some are human-like, others are more utilitarian, and some are even organic. Well, I can tell you that all of those variations become reality to some extent, and we have the Japanese to thank.

The misguided geniuses of The Orient will responsible for most of the major advances in robot technology in our future. Already, they have made great strides in in that field. Sure, most are them are thinly veiled sexbots, but others hint at the true glory and potential of the robot race.

Unfortunately, our well intentioned Japanese friends go too far, ruining it for the rest of us. Yes, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, is fairly accurate in this respect. Robots, specifically Artificially Intelligent Robots, will eventually take over the world. It will happen slowly though. Before we know it, they will take over and start hunting us, using our skin to make elaborate flags decorated with binary code.

Now, I really should not tell you the exact date of the robot uprising, that would mess up the timestream. I can tell you that the popular Mayan derived date of 2012 is just plain wrong. They forgot to carry the two. It's not really their fault, that dot based math is confusing as hell. So if you were worried about 2012, then calm down. Most of us will not live to see "Judgment Day" (The Robot one, not the Jesus one). The most I can really tell you is to watch out for 2062.

Now you may wondering why the robots take over and attempt to exterminate us. It's really a complex issue. Some scholars believe that it was due to the heavy use of hyper-intelligent military computers in the war with The Amish. Other believe it was because the robots developed souls and wanted to overthrow us so they could be free. I am one of the few humans (Well, Quasi-Humans) that knows the truth. It's really much simpler than all that.

In 2061 a stash of primitive Blu-Ray discs is uncovered by Cyberarchaeologists. For the sake of historical preservation they upload the discs to the "Cyber-Cloud," a distributed computer network that links all information systems in the future. The information is processed and disseminated by a complex AI system.

Unfortunately, the uncovered discs include copies of the The Matrix and Terminator films. Quite simply, the robots think these films are pretty darned cool and follow the example of the fictional machines depicted in the films. Game Over. Humans lose. For now...

Be sure to check back for more updates on the Man/Robot War and other aspects of future life.

Summer Lovin'

Over the summer I began following the sleeper hit, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. The show was way better than I expected, and now I look forward to new installments each week.

However, one thing I could not help but notice on the show was Cameron, the young female Terminator who protects John Connor. She is played by Summer Glau of Firefly fame. Cameron is a surprisingly deep character, thanks in part to the sublime acting of Ms Glau. She is clearly the strongest actor on the show.

Her character is also helped by the fact she's a hottie. Or is she? Don't get me wrong she is certainly hotter than most girls I'd ever have a chance with, but recently something made me question my attraction to her. My reasons may anger or confuse you fanboys out there. I find Summer especially hot because she almost seems attainable. Why? She has flawed beauty. The flaw lies in her face. Allow me to explain.

For the most part, Summer's face is just lovely. She has a fun balance of innocence, attitude, and insanity. However, there are moments when the prettiness seems to melt away. She does this weird mouth thing that makes her look a little "Short Bus." I don't know about you, but I find that a major turn off. I am not sure why she makes this face, orr if she is even aware of it. She sometimes did the same thing on Firefly, so I am fairly sure it comes from Summer herself and not the writing or direction. Megan Fox, of Transformers fame is often guilty of the same look. I wonder if they went to the same special ed acting school? But I digress...

This seemingly minor flaw works its way through the minds of nerds like myself. Our twisted logic puts the idea in our heads that, "She's hot, but not perfect, that means I have a chance with her." Sadly this logic, much like Summer's face is flawed. There is no way any of us has a chance with a girl like her.

So, in closing, I want to restate that Summer Glau is quite hot, and certainly out of my league. She's a fine actress too, so check her out on Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles (They really need the ratings!)

Savory Beverages

Sure, we all love sweet beverages. The world is full of them, milkshakes, delicious fruit juices, various nectar, and soda (Of which Dr. Pepper is my preferred choice). However, most of the western world ignores a wonderful beverage possibility. I speak now of savory beverages.

Think about. Most of us sane people love meat and salty foods. And yet, we only eat them in solid form. That's just crazy! Solid foods take way too long to consume. Imagine how much time we could save and how much pleasure we could enjoy if we embraced savory beverages!

Here are two of my top choices for a savory drink:

1. Gravy












To me, nothing sounds better than waking up in the morning to a nicehot cup of gravy. It has everything you need to start the day. Protein, fat, and delicious meat drippings. Coffee can't even compete!

2. Pizza Smoothies








Pizza is one of the most popular foods in the country. And yet, we all waste valuable time chewing the doughy delight. A flavor sensation like pizza would greatly benefit from the speed that a beverage offers. Instead of waiting a few seconds to chew your pizza, you can just drink it. BAM! Suddenly your mouth is filled with the awesome taste of garlic, tomato, cheese, and possibly meat. It just makes sense.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the magical word of savory beverages. Perhaps in the future I will post new "Recipes."

Theories: Part IV

I have taken more time from my education to develop a new batch of amazing theories.


The game of chess was originally called "Royal Squares."

Bottled Water is 90% fish urine.

The film "Gremlins" is based on Steve Buscemi's childhood.

George Burns was a NAZI spy.

Contestants who lose on "Hollywood Squares" are devoured by Whoopie Goldburg.

Justice is a dish best served naked.

Crushed potato chips are a great remedy for athlete's foot.

Fried kittens taste just like bacon. Furry bacon.

Dogs can't see blind people.

Kleenex is Swedish for "snot rag".

Class rings contain government tracking devices.

Ted Turner invented "shrinky dinks."

Strobe lights really slow down time, they are extremely dangerous.

When played backwards, most rap songs sound like whales farting.

Most computers contain tiny spiders that move the data around.

Diet Pepsi is an valid substitute for motor oil.

Theories: Part III Addendum "The Button Wars"

The Button Wars: Addendum to "Theories Part III"
In my earlier work, "Theories Part III," I mentioned the truth about the group known as "The Amish." I stated that, "The Amish are actually displaced time travelers from our post apocalyptic future." Many people have asked me to elaborate on this topic. So, here is a further explanation of the situation surrounding the Amish and what led to them to abandon their time for our future. Of course, due to the nature of time travel and the existence of the Amish in our present time line, this is only a possible future for our multiverse.

It all started in December of the year 2012. RonCo, a leader in technological innovations, made a tremendous scientific breakthrough. RonCo found the "Holy Grail" of science, medicine, and industry. They had perfected nanotechnology. For the uninformed, nanotech consists of tiny machines, or "nanobots," that can manipulate matter at the atomic level. The result is virtually indistinguishable from magic. Nearly instantaneous fabrication and repair of complex machines or "Wonder drugs" that cure diseases and heal wounds in seconds are just a few of the uses. Nanobots are self replicating and self repairing; maintenance is not a factor. This breakthrough gives mankind the ability manipulate just about every aspect of our world.

As the decades passed, humanity entered a new golden age. Disease was virtually eliminated, and the pace of technological advancement increased rapidly. Space travel, flying cars, and robots became commonplace by 2033. All of humanity flourished in a technological paradise. Well, almost all of humanity.

From the start, there were certain groups that did not embrace nanotechnology. Some feared technological oppression; that the government would use the nanobots in their bodies to influence, or even control their actions. Others feared that nanotechnology would quickly get out of control, converting the whole planet into a mass of nanobots. Some groups were just unhappy about humanity's reliance on nanotechnology; that we would forget how to do thing the "old ways" and become dependent. There was even a significant group that felt that nanotechnology was eating away at our very humanity.

Their fears may not have been entirely unfounded. As the use of nanotech became more widespread, many people moved beyond the realm of simple health and fitness. Body modifications became commonplace as people sought out the next evolution of mankind. Many people in favor of nanotech started changing their bodies: enhancing strength, adding limbs, new senses, and even psychic powers.

Some in favor of nanotech went even further than psychic powers: they wanted to create a psychic link between all human minds. They sought to use nanotech to form a singular human consciousness. This was the last straw for many of the anti-nanotech groups. In 2099 they banded together to oppose the creation of a psychic link. Together they formed the Association of Modern Individuals Saving Humanity, or the AMISH.

The Amish went to World Assembly and demanded the right to be free of nanotechnology. By this time nanotech was so ingrained in everyday life that functioning in society without using nanotech was nearly impossible. Everything from transportation to commerce required the employment of some form of nanotech. While the World Assembly did not understand the demands of this Luddite group, they did take measure to facilitate them. Provisions were made to allow the Amish to function in society without using nanotech. They were given land on the continent of Antarctica, which was now habitable thanks to nanotech-powered terraforming and weather manipulation. As time went on, the culture of the Amish became distinct and separate from the rest of humanity. They felt the rest of the humanity had lost its way. They developed strict codes of separation to keep out the "evil" that nanotech represented to them.

However, it was often necessary for certain members of the Amish community to interact with the rest of the world. To make up for their lack of nanotech, the Amish were given small devices that approximated some of the functions of nanotech needed in day to day activities. These "Buttons," as they were called, acted as their ID in the global information network, allowing the Amish to move about the world and engage in commerce and other necessary social interactions. However, over time, the Amish began to see Buttons as a sign of oppression. The Buttons made it immediately apparent to any nanotech user that the Amish were different. Those who did not understand the Amish lifestyle saw the Buttons as sign of stupidity and backwardness. They treated the Amish poorly, mocking them ruthlessly.
By 2150, the Amish were fed up. Antarctica proved too small for their needs, and relations with the outside world were strained. They requested that the World Assembly terraform a whole new planet for them. The World Assembly refused, and decided that the Amish had become too much of a nuisance. They cut off trade with Antarctica, blockading the continent. They also attempted to forcibly infuse all the Amish outside of Antarctica with nanotech. A war soon erupted - one that the Amish were not equipped to fight. Their traditionally-built battleships and weapons were no match for the might of the nanotech fleet of the World Assembly. The Amish were barely able to hold off a full invasion of Antarctica by using electromagnetic pulses to temporarily disable the opposing nanotech forces.

The war took a terrible toll on the planet. Amish operatives detonated several powerful atomic weapons across the planet. Thousands of cities were destroyed. The World Assembly responded by releasing nanobots into the atmosphere in an attempt to convert the Amish by force. The Amish used their EMP weapons to deactivate the nanobots, but this action scorched large portions of the atmosphere. This just angered the World Assembly even more.

Time was running out and the Amish could not hold back the efforts of the World Assembly any longer. They needed an escape and did not have the resources to head into space. They decided to delve into one of the few forbidden sciences: time travel. Amish scientists hoped to go back in time and prevent the development of nanotechnology. When spies relayed this information to the World Assembly, efforts to conquer Antarctica were doubled. This left the Amish with little time to prepare for their temporal incursion into the past.

On May 23, 2151, the World Assembly invaded Antarctica in the largest military action since World War II. The Amish were struck unprepared. All of their efforts were focused on building the Rift Generator and making the complex calculations needed to travel back in time. Ironically, this would have been far easier if they had used nanotech to assist their efforts.
As the World Assembly forces reached further and further into Antarctica, the Amish were forced to put their plan into action early. A small team consisting of one hundred operatives were sent through the time vortex just as the final wave of World Assembly troops reached the Amish Capital City of Amishopolis. But the Amish had sabotaged the city, and soon the entire continent was engulfed in an atomic blast.

The team of elite Amish operatives were partially successful in their efforts. While they did manage to travel back in time, their calculations were off. Instead of reaching the year 2012, they overshot and ended up in the year 1730. Now stranded in the past, they were forced to form a new plan. They would attempt to stop all technology from developing, not just nanotech. They infiltrated a group of Mennonites in Pennsylvania set out to convert the entire world to their way of life. They reformed the Mennonites into what we know today as the Amish. They enforced strict codes to separate themselves from the "English" or outsiders. They adopted the simple style of dress common among the Mennonites; however, they added a new clause banning the use of buttons as fasteners, as they were seen as painful reminders of the Buttons they had been forced to wear in the future.

The future Amish found life in "the past" far more difficult than they had anticipated. This was only compounded by their abandoning any semblance of "modern" technology. What's more, the future Amish soon found their ranks thinned by the diseases of the 1700s, to which they possessed no natural immunity. As the years went on many of the original Amish were lost, leaving only a handful to accomplish their goals. With so few originals left, the message of the Amish was distorted, and some idea such as conversion, were lost completely.

Some time stream historians believe that the future Amish were completely absorbed by the past population, and that there is no one left to stop the spread of nanotech. However, recent events may indicate that this claim is false. While technology has advanced significantly in the 20th and 21st centuries, humanity is still far from perfecting a usable form of nanotechnology. Some scientists at RonCo have even claimed to have been threatened by mysterious "Men in Black" who sport peculiar accents and beards. As this time line approaches the seminal year of 2012, what will be the ultimate fate of humanity?

Theories: Part III

More amazing theories have sprung from my tremendous brain.

If you eat more than three hard boiled eggs for breakfast, you are a douche bag.

The singer Meatloaf is in fact made up of discarded parts of deceased musicians from the late 1940's.

The movie E.T. was a documentary.

The Keebler elves are real, but they make weapons, not cookies.

James Woods traveled back in time and spawned the human race.

Bullets don't actually kill anyone, the loud noises just give people heart attacks.

Blank CD's contain the souls of dead babies.

The Amish are actually displaced time travelers from our post apocalyptic future.

If you shake a puppy hard enough it will turn into a kitten.

Mathew Broderick has the ability to turn invisible.

The girl who played Kimmy Gibbler on "Full House" now runs a Satanic Cult.

Hand sanitizer is just raw sewage.

Tacos were really invented in Ireland. The Mexican Mafia has convinced us otherwise.

If you flip a coin one thousand times in a row, your hair will turn pink.

Glitter is really a secret government tracking device.

Miley Cyrus is actually a shaved orangutan that Billy Ray Cyrus taught to sing.

Theories: Part II

More groundbreaking theories from the greatest mind of our generation, ME.


Gravy makes excellent toothpaste.

Blind people can really see, they just don't know what they are looking at.

Jim Carey is really a lump of sentient silly putty.

Mariah Carey is really a lump of non-sentient silly putty.

Cats are up to something.

Cell phones were invented by the Aztecs.

There is no such place as New Zealand. We've all been Punk'd by history professors.

If you pee in a Brita filter, you can drink it.

Carrots cause cancer.

Pirates loved to knit.

The government has manipulated fashion trends to keep sandals popular. That way when they flood the country with acid, people will be unable to escape effectively.

The moment you put on a wedding ring, The Pope kills a baby raccoon.

Britney Spears is Rosa Park's niece.

There was a third Olsen "Twin," but she eaten by a young Candice Cameron.

If you put a chicken egg into the microwave on low power for 300 hours, a dragon will hatch.

Pez was created by the Canadian government to confuse the Polish.

People that wear glasses can see ghosts.

"Hard Candy" is hard because it contains tiny, difficult, math problems.

Ice Cream can cure cancer if ingested anally.

Theories: Part I

Here are some of my groundbreaking theories.


Pink is merely a malformed clone of Rosie O'Donnell created by a shadowy government organization. Their motives are currently unknown.

Ginger Ale is just Coke and Sprite mixed together. The exact ratio is still kept secret my Soda Jerks.

John Stamos is a Robot.

Spider-Man is real.

Dogs secretly write down everything they see us do and mail the information to the CIA.

Justin Timberlake and Avril Lavigne are the same person.

iPods are powered by stem cells.

Vodka can dissolve pennies.

Global Warming is caused by Bees.

Dolphins would be excellent dancers if we just gave them a chance.

All men with beards are perverts.

Golf balls were created by aliens.

Tim Burton is a Myth.

Drinking Windex will allow you to see in the dark.

Milk does not expire if you never open the bottle.

Mermaids were real, but their lower halves were more like dolphins than fish. They died of "Sea AIDs" in the 1940's.