These days everyone from the media elite to your local church would have you believe that Santa Clause is not real. They try to back themselves up with "Facts" showing his muddy and confused origin in folklore from around the world. Or they try to find scientific flaws in the seemingly "Magical" way Santa builds toys and distributes them all over the world.
If Santa is not real, then why would NORAD waste taxpayer money tracking him every year? It's obvious that the media crusade against Santa is tied to some kind of deeper conspiracy, too complex to explain here. What I can do for all of you out there is explain the TRUE origin of Santa and his miracles.
To start off there is nothing magical about Santa Claus at all. In fact, his origins are alien. Over 2000 years ago, an alien creature named Kringus arrived Earth after a devastating war left her planet devastated. Kringus wanted to live a peaceful life now, a life that helped other living beings.
To this end, Kringus joined forces with the most intelligent race on Earth at the time, the Elves. Now many of you may be thinking of sexy elves like Legolas of
Lord of The Rings. That is mere fantasy, in reality elves are a small and ugly race, much like modern New Yorkers. Their hideous appearance and shrill voices belie their warm hearts and aptitude for menial labor.
Kringus herself resembled a large insectoid, about the size of three average humans or two Texans. Kringus' species could reproduce using the DNA from any living creature, creating an adult hybrid in only three days. Kingus decided to use her gift to benefit the other dominant species on Earth, humans.
To this end, Kringus sent out elven envoys to find the most kind and gifted human on the planet. The elves searched far and wide, traveling to every country on Earth. This is how they spread the message of Kringus, incorporating her message of good will into local legends of gift giving wizards. To this end, the elves determined that Saint Nicholas of Myra was the bastion of kindness that Kringus was looking for.
Unfortunately, Saint Nick refused to even speak to the elven envoys, he thought they were ugly, evil, and reminiscent of the djinn he fought so hard to defeat years earlier. Kringus tried to sway him by sending advanced flying reindeer robots to entertain the Saint. It was of no use, Saint Nick could no be brought on board. The elves were given no other choice, they stole a sample of Saint Nick's DNA and brought it back to Kringus.
Kringus used her special hybridization ability to create a mostly human replica of Saint Nicholas. By combining the names of local legends with her own language, Kringus dubbed her new son "Santa Claus." This hybrid boasted long life and resistance to cold. Due to complex genetic interactions, Santa Claus would always appear as and old human male. However, thanks to his alien heritage and understanding of the human genome, Santa Claus could shift his ethnicity as needed. Now Kringgus could move on to phase two of her plan.
Kingus dubbed herself "Mrs. Claus" to better relate to her creation that she was now training. She taught Santa to use her advanced technology like hoversleds and teleporters. He was also taught other skills like elf management and how to avoid customs officials.
Immense production facilities were created under the North Pole. The elves were happy to work for Santa and Mrs. Claus, they now could have all the gingerbread they could eat. This really pissed off Lord Oberon who had enslaved the elves for generations. After intense negotiations, a deal would struck. In exchange for the service of the elves, Mrs. Clause would give Oberon an alien portal generator. This would allow Oberon to finally flee our realm. That is why you don't see any of Oberoth's Children (The Fey) around anymore.
The first Christmas was very successful. The Santa Hybrid preformed flawlessly. The hoversled flew magnificently, led by the robot reindeer. Teleporters and time warps allowed him to deliver presents to every child on the planet in just one night. Thanks to his alien telepathy, Santa gave each child exactly as he or she deserved.
As the generations passed, the original Santa hybrid wore out. It was a sad occasion for Mrs. Clause, she had grown close to this Santa over the last 300 years. When the time came the elves held a solemn ceremony for the first Santa Clause. The next day Mrs. Clause sent them out to find a new human template for the Santa hybrid. This event would repeat itself numerous times as the years went on.
Now dear reader, you know the true origin of Santa Clause. Nearly all of his mysteries have been easily explained with the plot device known as "Alien Technology." Please print out this article and present it to any naysayer who claims that Santa is not real.
Idea #1 - Alternate endings to the Back to The Future Trilogy.
dea #2 - Off screen sitcom interactions.
Idea #3 - Alternative Majors
2008 was pretty great. I did many great things, like starting this blog. This was a major step, as it allowed me to spread my theories and predictions to the masses. Other cool things happened too. I made new friends and as far as I can tell, no new enemies. Most of all, I defeated an alien invasion without exposing my activities to the public or government (That's a really hard thing to do).
As for 2009, there are big things in my future. I will finally graduate college in May, and in theory, get an awesome job, preferably one involving androids. Several movies I want to see will come out, Star Trek in particular. That better not suck. Also, I have a feeling that I will either win The Lottery or a sweepstakes that awards a lifetime membership to Costco.
Kringus herself resembled a large insectoid, about the size of three average humans or two Texans. Kringus' species could reproduce using the DNA from any living creature, creating an adult hybrid in only three days. Kingus decided to use her gift to benefit the other dominant species on Earth, humans.
To this end, Kringus sent out elven envoys to find the most kind and gifted human on the planet. The elves searched far and wide, traveling to every country on Earth. This is how they spread the message of Kringus, incorporating her message of good will into local legends of gift giving wizards. To this end, the elves determined that Saint Nicholas of Myra was the bastion of kindness that Kringus was looking for.
